I recently returned from my first Satsang and initiation into Neelaakanta Meditation with Professor Paul Muller-Ortega. I spent four of the most amazing days studying with Paul, learning from Paul, and meditating with Paul. Then I came home. I created my places to meditate at home and at work. I had it all set. Get up 30 minutes earlier than usual for morning meditation and carve out 30 minutes during my day to meditate. It looked perfect in my eyes. Then reality struck: I got busy at work; busy in life; came down with a cold and I wanted to sleep as much as possible before going into work etc etc etc. I also have been traveling a ton and crashing at friends places versus staying at hotels which made it challenging to find time to meditate. My perfect vision of my meditation is not what I was expecting. I am experiencing frustration with my meditation. I get up in the morning and my brain starts to go. I start thinking about my day, about clients that I have to see, who I need to talk to when I get to work, and the list goes on. Then I try to meditate. AGGG! I start judging, "I am not grooving with my mantra. I am not sitting right.” Then I start to get pissy, I know that when your mind wanders it is ok…not to judge just remember to come back to your mantra. Easier said than done. “I am coming back to my mantra.” I am now thinking about my client that I need to do therapeutics on, “come back to my mantra!” I am getting pissy again because I don't think I am reciting my mantra correctly. “Come back to my mantra! Wait, am I saying my mantra or am I reciting Hebrew? Come back to my mantra! Wait, I think I am reciting Hebrew. It sounds like Hebrew.” Now I am having flashbacks of my Hebrew school teacher telling me I am not saying the pronunciation correctly. “Come back to my mantra.” This goes on and on. Then I go to work.
I get to work and I get into mode. I am super-focused on my work and realize that half the day is gone and I have not meditated yet. So now I am pissed at myself because the time I carved out is long gone and I have a few minutes before my client comes in or I have to go to a meeting. So, I go into my cloffice (closet/office) and sit down. I take a few breaths to settle and begin my meditation. I begin my mantra…and the voices begin: “I wonder if I should put a sign up to not disturb me. Maybe I should. Nah, no one will come in. But what if a tour comes through and they are looking for me to talk about my program. Shit, I should put up a sign. Come back to the mantra.” This just goes on and on. Don’t get me wrong, I have good days with my meditations.Days where I just go deep and it is wonderful, however, I am just finding that when it doesn’t necessarily go the way I envision, I get really frustrated.
The other day I ran into a member of our facility who practices TM(Transcendental Meditation) and we had a lovely talk. She asked me how my mediations were coming and I shared with her my frustrations(actually I did more than share with with her, the flood gates opened and I let it all out. I went on for what seemed like an hour.. realy it was a few minutes). She laughed. I wasn’t sure how to respond. She explained to me this is all part of the journey. That I need to let go of the judgment, the visions of what I think I am supposed to be doing and just breathe. I am so fixated on meditating for a specific length as well so she told me to put that aside for now. To just sit, breathe, and come to my mantra even if it is for 2 minutes. This, too, is a practice. She giggled and then said to me, “You are looking for bliss, huh?”“ I smiled. I thought to myself, “Me? Never. That never crossed my mind.” Yeah right. Of course I want to feel bliss. I want to feel the way I did when I was I was away studying. I never felt anything like it. It was amazing. I want that feeling every time I sit in meditation. I know this is a practice and I have to keep reminding myself, “In due time.” This, too, will begin to find a place in my life. I need not to judge, but remember to breathe, and to COME BACK TO MY MANTRA!
Jen Emold is Director of Studio Neshama- Pilates @ the JCC located at the Harry and Rose Samson Family Jewish Community Center of Milwaukee, Certified Pilates Teacher and Register/ Certified Yoga Teacher . Jen is founder of Wandering JenJen- Pilates, Yoga and Wellness consulting. You can read more blogs by Jen at www.wanderingjenjen.blogspot.com
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